What doesn't kill me, makes me Stronger.

I was really debating with myself whether to post this or not, because I don't want the drama, or the odd looks. But then again, maybe I can reach out to other mommies out there, they can understand me, and I them. I am confident that my blog followers will be supporters and not give me the "look" of pity.(You ladies understand).
Everyone is unique and special in their own way.
Here's my story.
We found out that we are/were pregnant on January 7th, we couldn't be happier. :)

I'm not going to lie, this pregnancy has been so hard. It brings tears to my eyes just to think that mothers have gone through this more than once. I just never thought that it would be "normal" me to go through a difficult first trimester.


Warning:Delicate Details

It all started on Monday, January 23rd, in the afternoon I had some brown spotting in my underwear. I thought nothing of it because I knew that this was normal. I have been having some moderate cramping which they are a little more than mild but a less than a menstrual period cramp. Everything seemed very normal to me, after my shower I put on a pad just to be on the safe side. About an hour later I went to go and check on my progress and my pad was covered in blood with some dime size clots, the cramping increased after i went to the bathroom. I told Ben that if the next pad looks like that in the next hour that we would go to the ER.
Well, sad to say that we did end up going in to the ER, we waited for about 3 hours to finally get in and get an internal ultrasound. Most the 3 hours time passed from me getting my vitals checked every hour and getting 2 blood tests, the reason being that the first blood test was inconclusive. Needles don't bug me much at all, so giving blood is like getting a flu shot to me. Quick, easy and painless.
When we finally got a room, we still waited for about 30minutes to see the Dr, and the another 30 min or so just to get into an u/s room. First we got an abdominal u/s, which I knew that we weren't going to see anything, even being at what I thought was 6 weeks, no expert would be able to see anything. The tech then told me that I apparently have a VERY tilted uterus. Basically just makes it a lot harder to get a good u/s picture of my baby, even when she did an internal, it was very uncomfortable and slightly painful. A tilted uterus is one of the likely causes for that, I'm not worried because these things correct themselves around 8-10 weeks when your baby is bigger. While she was digging up in there, there was a lot of things for Ben and I to look at, in which both of us talked after the u/s and both of us thought that we may have seen a little tiny heart beating away. I think that the u/s tech didn't want to get our hopes up, so she didn't say anything.
After all that, we got to go back to our room to wait to have the Dr. talk to us. Eating snacks and talking with my husband was a nice way to let the time pass. She finally came in to talk to us and told me that she thinks that my numbers are off(which I don't know why, I keep very good track of my cycles) and that I'm more likely at 4 weeks with my HCG being a number of 900. Ok, I knew that was pretty normal, but she still wanted me to do a follow up appointment in 2 days to see if my levels have risen. We got home around 10, Ben went to go pick up Josiah while I went to bed.

January 24th-Ben went to work, I was still bleeding like a medium flow period, still cramping moderately.
I took 2 tylenol to help me nap while Josiah was, I was still tired, still having pregnancy symptoms. I did pass something that looked like tissue, but I wasn't exactly sure. Honestly, I don't really want to know what it was. I just know that it wasn't a blood clot. I know the difference between the two.

January 25th-Still bleeding and still cramping, still have pregnancy symptoms.  I went in at 11 am to have more blood tests done, then had a little visit with the OBGYN, she talked about the possibility of a miscarriage, which I prayed and was prepared for the worse. The tests weren't going to have results until an hour, so she sent us home. I was so happy to hear that, all I wanted was to be in the comfort of my own home with my husband and be lazy with him all day. He is so wonderful to stick with me through this.
At about 1:30pm, she called, she said that since Monday night my HCG numbers had only risen to 1200, which they expect more of number closer to 1800+. I don't really know what that means, but she is having me come in again on Monday the 30th to do yet another blood test. I may or may not have completely miscarried by then but the waiting is hard. I've been praying and just asking God for a peace of mind, that whatever happens its all for the good of his glory. I am prepared and I feel OK about this, these things just happen and I'm just grateful that this didn't happen while I was farther along. Ben and I already had names picked our for a boy or a girl which does make it difficult to think that this baby may not be here in September.
Keep us in your prayers as we go through this. It is hard but will make me a stronger person and makes me who I am. Thank you all for your love,prayers and support, I will keep an update at what happens day by day the best I can.

Love,
Jess

I took this 2 days before my supposed missed period. No question here!