I really do love Valentines Day!

This V-Day, I really wasn't expecting much. Our budget is cut pretty slim these days and we've been cracking down to get all our debts paid off before a certain time. Ben knows that I really like nice things, he knows that I like bouquets of roses, expensive dinners, and big surprises. He told me the day before that we were going to wait to celebrate because our taxes(which were suppose to deposit on the 12th) haven't come in yet and that he was waiting for it to go through so that we could spend a little of that money on our date. 

How did I feel? To be honest...I was not happy, I said that it was OK and that I don't mind waiting, but really, deep down I was bummed. I didn't like the idea of celebrating V-Day on another day, call me selfish and whiny but that's just how I felt.

Valentines Day came, I wasn't expecting my husband to come home from work during his lunch to make me breakfast in bed, he works really close to home now(which I LOVE!)so it wasn't to much of a bother, but just the thought of him thinking of me made my day! I also got a balloon, and an adorable soft teddy bear.

So after he left, I ate, Josiah woke up around that time so before he got to impatient I hopped into the shower real quick so that we can get ready for our appointment.

After running errands and getting Josiah down for his nap I was trying to get the house cleaned up. Knowing Ben, he like a clean house to come home to, and a nice hot dinner waiting for him. He then texted me to say that instead of coming home at 3pm after work he wasn't going to be able to get home till closer to 4:30. He does have to stay late sometimes because he a manager and all so that didn't surprise me. So then I went back to cleaning and tidying up our house. 4:00 rolls around and I get a ring on the doorbell, curious, I wasn't expecting anyone, so when I opened the door I was very surprised to see that it was my wonderful husband, dressed all nice complete with a tie that I bought him a couple years ago, and holding a single red rose asking me to be his Valentine. What a sweetheart, after some X's and O's, he says OK, you have an hour to get ready. Awesome! I go and get all dressed up and we head out(baby free) to Red Lobster, it was an hour wait but we were able to find ways to pass the time. 

The day of Love and Friendship, did you have a good Valentines Day? Did your Valentine do something special for you this year?

Balloon, Red Rose Bouquet and a Teddy Bear.
The roses in the background is what I decorate my table with, I  try to always have a bouquet of flowers(roses or any other kind) on my dining room table, I love how fresh and beautiful it makes my home.

My miscarriage story

I have included all the parts to my story.

If you want to skip it all and get to the point, just read the last one.

What doesn't kill me makes me Stronger

Taking it Day by Day

Be Positive

The Waiting Game

Still Waiting

There is a Next Time

There is a next time.

So I had my blood taken again this morning. My numbers have went from 1100 down to 600.
So yes, I have officially miscarried my baby, my OB answered all my questions.
I am mourning a little because I still had that little hope.
In about 2 weeks she wants me to take a pregnancy test just to make sure everything is out of my system.
After that, when my period starts she says that we can start trying right away. Because it was such an early miscarriage my body doesn't have much to recover from and that it sounds like from the cramping and bleeding that I had a week ago I passed everything and have been through the worse.
As long as I am emotionally ready she gave us the go ahead to try for another baby.

I think that we will try after my period, the thought of being pregnant and for Josiah to have a sibling he can play with so close in age was such a nice thought. We were already preparing for it and I would love to experience being pregnant in the summer time. Maybe have a fall baby?

Thank you all for your prayers and support. As we grieve for our loss I just ask that you all be respectful and not ask me how I'm doing in hopes that I'm going to tell you my whole story.
I will answer you that I'm fine, so please leave it at that.

Love,
Jess

Really? Some people!

Went Grocery shopping at Walmart today and what was an alright day all the sudden turned into an unnecessary emotional ride.

Walmart Cashier: I think you forgot something (she says while holding up Josiah's Organic snacks)

Me: No, I bought that about a week ago, you guys don't sell that brand of toddler snacks anyway.

WC: Are you sure? (As she calls up her supervisor)

Me:Yes, I am sure.

5 minutes later supervisor walks over and confirms that no, they don't sell that brand.

Really? Over $3 snacks?
I was surprised that she did call because the lines were so backed up with people wanting to check out and the couple behind me were getting frustrated of the wait because of the few WIC checks that I cashed in. Those of you with this program know that it's a long process.

I guess it wasn't the fact that she called the supervisor over, it was more like, how she did it. Her personality was LOUD and she had a bit of an attitude.
I understand the concept that tons of items are being stolen from Walmart everyday.
Everyone in line behind me just stared at me like I was one of those crazy, hoarding cat ladies. Pretty embarrassing if you ask me.  On top of that, Josiah was tired, needed a nap and nothing I was doing was keeping him quiet, he's turned into quite the screamer lately.
Well, in the end, I still smiled very fake like, my easily tampered hormones are still all over the place, and I just wanted to cry.
Today, was a difficult shopping day, and I think that I will wait for my husband to help me next time, he seems to help me keep my emotions under control a little better.

Tomorrow will be hopefully better. Taking another blood test to see what in the world is going on!
Wish us luck!

Love,
Jess

Still Waiting

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

So I did go in this morning to get my blood test done for my HCG count, and apparently, my numbers are actually going down.
My OB still doesn't seem to sure about me miscarrying because my numbers are going down--but slowly, then again my numbers should have quintupled by now. So I'm getting ANOTHER blood test done on Thursday.
I've already told my husband this...it's not the fact that I may be still miscarrying, its because I have to wait so long just to make sure that I completely am. I'm am so confused, I don't know what's going on anymore. I just want to know what's physically going on with my body, work through it and move on with my life.

I still have some pregnancy symptoms, so either I'm imagining the symptoms or I still really am pregnant. The biggest sign of a miscarriage in early pregnancy is the loss of the symptoms.
I haven't had anymore cramping, and just a little spotting here and there. I haven't passed anything that resembles a baby, I'm not running a fever from a natural miscarriage.
So here we are again, still waiting, I just have to keep on praying for a peace of mind and I try to keep myself busy so that I don't think about it and emotionally break down all the time.

I still have that small hope that Ben and I will go into an ultrasound room and see a perfectly healthy beating heart on the screen. I haven't had one since the ER, but my OB said that depending on my numbers and what my body is doing she may schedule an ultrasound for me. She does find it a little odd that I haven't passed the baby and that I'm still having preggo symptoms and the cramping and bleeding is overall improving.
Yes, I am prepared for the worse, but I have always been a hopeful person. I have that little voice telling me that everything is going to be OK. I don't know what that means either but I guess that we'll just have to wait and see...again...sigh.

Love,
Jess

The Waiting Game-almost over

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

So I know that I skipped Saturday, I really don't know why I did, I didn't have anything going on all day. Well there really wasn't much to record anyway.

So yesterday, the 29th, nothing was new, very little cramping and I was spotting and bleeding off and on all day. Last night, Ben was able to find a babysitter for Josiah and got out of the house with our friends. We went to Silverton and ate dinner at this bar that Nicole suggested and she said that it was just awesome. :) Haha, well she was right, I probably had the best burger in my life there, and the fries were stupendous too! After that we went bowling, I had a really great time. Just what I needed to get my mind off this. They know our story and they were nice enough to not mention it or make it awkward. After bowling we headed on back to Salem, went to another bar, and I just finally said to Ben "I'm tired and I'm ready to go home." I think that everyone else was too, but nobody wanted to say anything. ;)
Went home and did our normal nightly talk with the husband and passed out! Good times!

This morning getting ready for church I saw some spotting on my pad, but not much at all and had no cramping.

Went through all of service feeling very nauseous and so tired that I would've fell asleep during Matt's sermon easily if I was sitting closer to the back. I kinda got passively aggressive at Ben for not only sitting so close to the front, but sitting in the middle. So in case I really needed to head to the bathroom for a quick throw-up, it would be really obvious and definitely a distraction for most to see someone tripping over people's feet trying to get to the Lu on time. I was OK for the whole service besides that little nauseous issue.
When we got home, I noticed that I only spotted VERY little and had no cramps during service, instead now that I think about it, it's been all pregnancy symptoms this whole morning.
Nausea
Fatigue
Back pain
Tiny Bladder-I gotta pee like every 2 hours it seems.
Breast Tenderness
Weight Gain-Since this is my 2nd pregnancy, I can't seem to button my favorite jeans already. :/
Headache
Little poppy/gassy feelings in tummy-which makes me nauseous
Blind-I have to wear my glasses just to see anything again.
Sensitive gums-bleeding while brushing/flossing my teeth(only happens when preggo with me)
Hungry-Even after my breakfast of champions of a large bowl of oatmeal with strawberries and a banana, small glass of milk and a small decaf coffee from Starbucks.
I had all these with Josiah in my 1st trimester, but not nearly as intense.

Things are looking up! Doesn't sound like it, lol.(Actually looks like I'm sick) ;) But you all know what I mean.
Cravings so far? Kiwi! and a large heated CC cookie with a large glass of milk! yum!

After getting Josiah down for a nap, I had a huge headache and was so tired that not even 10 minutes after taking Tylenol I was passed out on the couch.
I just woke up around 3pm and now I'm writing this to tell you that my boobs hurt! Like, I was carrying Josiah up the stairs from his bedroom and it hurt to carry him because of the slight pressure he was putting on one of them. Ouch! I'm super hungry too, and I think that I'm going to bake the lasagna that I have saved in the freezer for a good day. Well, it's one of those days!
We are going to find out tomorrow to see if my numbers have changed. Hopefully it looks good, cause from what I'm experiencing, with the way my body is reacting it seems to be really looking good.
So after my blood has been taken, I'll find out an hour later in what I need to do. The OB that I've been seeing has been so sweet, she seems very understanding and doesn't like to use medical intervention as much as other Dr.s. If I am a high risk, which she did mention that there is a chance, then I'll probably stick with her.
I thank God for the peace that he has given me, and the love that is poured out from my wonderful, supportive friends.

Love you all!
Jess

Friday - my goal? To be positive.

Part 1

Part 2

Evening of the 26th(last night)-Waiting for Ben to come home from ping pong. I'm relaxing and watching my Hulu TV shows.   Bodily status-no cramping, and just light pink spotting.

Josiah kept waking up last night, I think that the little man has a cold, he's got snot running down his nose like crazy. While he was waking up every 3-4 hours, i was parched dry from the lack of water. Drank a large glass of water and finally got back to sleep.

January 27th - @10:30am woke up this morning around 8:30am to the light bleeding and light cramping again, seems like my body can't make up its mind. Just put Josiah down for a nap, and now he's being a little bit of a challenge. He's tired and grouchy but being stubborn to sleep at the same time. As soon as he's asleep, gonna hop into the shower and get my day started.

12:00pm-I just wanted to put this in here before i forget. After getting out of the shower this morning i discovered red patches on my face--blemishes! Never in my life have I ever had skin problems with my face! So weird!

10:00pm-When Ben got home @3:30, I laid Josiah down for a quick nap and we had dinner together around 5pm, then Josiah woke up around 5:30 and Ben wanted to go to the Verizon Store to get some things worked out with our phones. It was nice to get out for even just that hour to walk around. Even though it was just the mall, which we go to a lot when its chilly, it's a nice change of scenery compared to my home which I see every day.
Now Ben and I are in bed together, doing our separate things before we start our daily conversations and prayers.
Bodily status- Light bleeding and light cramping all day till we went walking. Now its just regular spotting with no cramping again. I've really upped my water intake lately, and I think that's really helping with my cramping. Other than that, no new changes, the waiting game is what's difficult cause I don't know what's going to happen next.

Love,
Jess